How Not to be a Gentleman
by Aikido Kiryuu
Summary: Edward seeks the help of the Host Club after having some problems back in Forks with Bella. However, while he's there, he doesn't get the help he expected. And learns about yaoi, too! This is not meant to be taken seriously at all! It's a joke!


Edward strode down the hallway to the music room that wasn't being used. This infamous Host Club he'd heard of better be good, he thought. Lately, Bella had been nagging at him to be kinder to other girls, as well as kinder to her. Edward had been trying his best, but with the baby and all, it was hard to be calm and collected like he used to be. Afraid that he was losing her, he'd immediately prepared a trip to Japan to learn how to please women. He was thoroughly embarrassed by it, but he was quickly running out of options.

When he opened the door, rose petals flew into his face. He opened his mouth in surprise, only to have one of these annoying little flower petals fly into his mouth. He choked on it for a minute, but eventually spit it out. He straightened his clothes, and walked inside to see the Host Club themselves. What, was all they did wait around for some person to walk in?

"Wow! Look, he's so pale!" Honey cried, running up to Edward. "And glittery, too!"

Now, Edward had never been fluent in Japanese, but he knew enough. Or so he thought, anyways. Edward looked down at the child. Why was this annoying little kid wearing a high school uniform, anyways. Honey pinched Edward's cheeks, studying him. "Hey...are you a vampire or something?" The childlike high school student cocked his head, honestly curious.

"Oh my...do we have a gay vampire on our hands?" Tamaki asked with a smirk, striding up to Edward. "Nice glitter, by the way."

"Wha...?" Edward was confused, to say the least. "I'm most certainly not gay," he said, glaring at the annoying tall blonde one who carried himself like he was kind of the world. "Is this the Ouran Host Club or not?"

"Why yes, of course," Tamaki said. "If you aren't queer...then...why are you here?" He said, trying to pull something from Edward's dark facial expression.

"I was hoping you could assist me in...becoming a gentlemen. I'd always tried to do my best, but apparently it isn't good enough for a certain person back in America. I need to be nicer to women," Edward grumbled, irritated.

"Did he just say that he wanted our help in getting his dog to like him?" Kaoru whispered, behind a hand, to Hikaru.

"I think so,"Kyoya whispered back. "But...I suppose if we charge him for it..."

"Um..." Tamaki was unsure of the situation he was in. Clearly, this person was not very good at speaking Japanese. However...this person had said it so full of confidence...that maybe, just maybe he was truly serious about needing help getting his dog to like him. "All right...we'll help you!" He said, smiling.

"For a fee, of course," Kyoya interjected.

Edward nodded. "Yes, of course."

How to be a Gentleman lessons, begin!

"Well, to get your dog to like you-"

"If you don't mind me cutting in, here," Honey said suddenly, "I think he actually meant that he wants his girl to like him. Not his dog. I mean, who would come to us for dog help?"

"M-maybe you have a point..." Tamaki said, embarrassed. "His Japanese is clearly horrible...so...Edward, would you happen to have a picture of this...dog?"

Edward nodded, and produced a picture of a girl with long brown hair and pretty eyes. "This is Bella," he said, obvious affection in his voice. "She's my wife."

Honey smiled brightly. "See?"

"Well, the first thing you need to do is stop calling her a dog. That might help," Tamaki said, almost laughing. He repeated the word for dog, and followed up by a picture of a dog. Then he said the word for woman, and pointed to Bella's picture.

Had Edward been alive, he most likely would have been blushing.

"The second thing you need to do is lose the sparkles. I'm pretty sure that comes off as 'I'm gay' to most women. Now, I know that many women are into the whole yaoi thing, but something tells me that it isn't your style."

"Pardon? Yaoi?" Edward asked, reluctantly.

Tamaki raised an eyebrow, and smirked. Ah, so clearly the guy had never read an ounce of fanfiction in his life, now had he? "Ah...yes, yaoi. Kaoru, Hikaru, care to demonstrate to our little American friend?"

And so, the twincest began.

Leaving Edward with his jaw on the floor. "I'm sorry I even asked," he muttered, turning away. "Now are you going to be serious, or not?"

"I was serious about the sparkles thing, you know. Unless you're some movie star, most women find it a turn off. And I'm sure your pretty little wife back at home does, too. Of course, she'd probably never say anything to you..." Tamaki ran a hand through his hair. "But, if you don't consider that serious, then I must ask, would you please tell us the story of you and Bella in as much detail as you can?"

Edward nodded. "All right, but its rather long..."

_Four Twilight novels later..._

"And...now, things aren't going as happily ever after as we'd hoped for," Edward said, staring at the floor. It was dark out now, at least ten at night. Silence. Edward looked up, to find the entire Host Club fast asleep. "Excuse me?" He asked, loudly. Everyone was immediately woken up and snapped to full attention.

"Well," Tamaki began, irritated. "I do believe that we know why women don't like you now, anyways...actually, its such a culture shock I'm not sure if I can take teaching you calmly without screaming at you. Now please, sit down at that desk over there."

Edward gave Tamaki a questioning glance, but did it anyways. A few seconds later, Tamaki was back, in teacher's clothing and dragging along a chalkboard on wheels behind him. The rest of the Host Club watched on curiously, to see just how things were about to play out.

"Now, let's start from the beginning, you disgrace of a vampire."

"Hey!" Edward protested, slamming his fists down on the desk. "It isn't my fault, it's the lady who thought me up's fault!"

"Whatever. I don't care. You've had enough story telling time for today, little sparkly guy."

Edward sat back in his chair, too outraged for words. He was sorry he came here in the first place, but he was interested in learning exactly what his faults were.

"Here's the first thing you need to change. You. Are. Obsessive. Ladies don't like obsessive, because then they know that they can have you. The only reason she liked you in the first place was because you were mysterious and didn't let her in. Once you got to know her, she obviously got bored. So please, learn to play harder to get. Keep her guessing. Where you're married, I'm not sure if this is such a good idea...so don't fool around on her of course, but just casually look at other girls."

"That's ridiculous! What about faithfulness?" Edward cried out.

"Quiet! I'm teaching here. Maybe girls back in wherever you came from liked faithfulness, but this is the twenty first century, so girls like hard to get guys. And don't be as obsessive over the poor girl, either. Girls need freedom."

"She has plenty of freedom," Edward said, defending himself.

"Freedom from you. You don't need to be around her twenty four seven. Now, the second thing, is that it would appear that you fell for her just because she SMELLED GOOD? What is the matter with you American boys?" Tamaki was getting worked up over nothing.

Edward had nothing to say to that. He hadn't wanted to tell them that he was a vampire, but what choice did he have? And it wasn't like he'd ever see them again.

Tamaki composed himself again, and cleared his throat. "Next- you're insecure. You have to be confident with yourself, and not be a downer and blame yourself for everything. No one likes a suicidal vampire, all right? She shouldn't have to constantly try and convince you that something isn't your fault. And, another thing. Stop overreacting over everything. It isn't the end of the world when something bad happens. Girls don't like that either. So, be confident."

"Who said I wasn't confident?" Edward asked, indignantly.

"Well, I did. And anything I say goes, understand?"

"No, actually, I don't understand," Edward said quietly, staring out the window. "This isn't very helpful, you know, I feel like all you're doing is pointing out my flaws."

"That's what I am doing. And later, we find out how to fix them. And the next thing. You told her to stay away from one of her best friends, just because he was a werewolf? No! I don't care how jealous you are, you need to learn to give girls their space."

"You should talk, senpai," Haruhi said, coming into the room. She hadn't expected anyone else to be here this late at night. She'd planned on some quiet time to sit and think.

"Hey, don't say that. All of the girls actually want my attention," Tamaki said, crossing his arms. "Anyways, Edward, another thing is, you're horrible at handling bad situations. You don't go and try and kill yourself over a little misunderstanding, understand?"

"That was a long time ago," Edward said, looking away. Secretly, he couldn't get over the fact of how great Haruhi's blood smelled.

"Oh, believe me, the other thing is...well, you pretty much forced her into marrying you. She was seventeen, and you were what, a hundred something? Isn't that a little creepy? She didn't know any better, and you tricked her into marrying you through..." Tamaki shuddered. "Well...sex? That's absolutely terrible."

"There's nothing wrong with abstinence."

"No, not at all," Tamaki said, "but you specifically held it over your head. What else is a bored, lonely, angsty, lives-with-her-father seventeen year old going to do? You Americans have no class, let me tell you..."

"I have no class? Then how come that girl over there is crossdressing..."

"Hey, watch it sparkly!" Haruhi shouted, holding a fist in the air.

"Well, anyways, how about we get down to the actual training, shall we? Haruhi, would you please go make yourself look like a girl so Edward here can practice being a gentleman- a real gentleman, not the phony kind he thought he was?"

"Do I have to? I just came here for a quiet place to study and think! I don't want to pretend to be the object of affection of some dude who thinks he's a vampire..."

"I'm not sure how much of this I can take," Edward muttered to himself. "This isn't even worth it anymore." He stood up.

"Hey, I'm your teacher, and I never said that you could stand up! You aren't permitted to stand up unless I say so or until you graduate my class." Tamaki said, pouting and crossing his arms.

"I'm dropping out," Edward said simply, grabbing his coat and walking out.

"Well, he sure was a quitter," Kaoru said, smiling. "Oh well, at least we can finally go home."

"Not yet," Honey said, a smile growing on his face. "Everybody lean up against the door and listen."

With confused looks, everyone did as Honey said. For a few minutes, nothing happened. Then, there was the distinct sound of someone falling down the stairs and shouting angrily in English.

"Banana peel?" Hikaru guessed.

"Banana peel," Honey agreed, giggling and smiling.


End file.
